Category Archives: our little rollercoaster

musings about life and all its ups and downs

How do you know if you’ve found the right person?

chipped metal heart

I have this theory…

Nobody is ever 100%.

As in, NO-body you EVER meet or end up with is EVER going to be 100% the person of your dreams.

They might be, for a time, in that rosy, heady, frisson-inducing period the experts (i.e. Wikipedia) call limerence.

But once that wears off, the theory kicks in.

Trust me. I’m feeding you pearls here.

So if nobody is ever 100%.

Stop looking for it.

And focus on this instead…

A high average.

A really high average is even better.

If you hit the 80s or 90s you’ve really lucked out.

What are the must haves? Well yours might be very different but these are mine.

1.  Similar values. You might want different things in life but fundamentally you need to believe and value similar things.

2.  If you fight. And you will. You need to be able to move forward after a fight. If you keep playing on a loop and not growing and not moving forward, you’ve got an issue.

3.  Laugh. Don’t underestimate the joy of being with someone who makes you laugh.

4.  Talk. You need to be able to talk, and sometimes that’s difficult, but when passion fades you have to be able to connect in different ways. And that can be just as beautiful in its own way.

5.  There’s got to be spark. That’s completely inexplicable but it must be there.

6.  And last, but perhaps most importantly, you must share a love for some tragic TV show. I’ve written about this over the years. A shared love of SURVIVOR. Or jumping aboard Ragnar Lothbrok’s vessel together every Thursday night with VIKINGS. I can see you shaking your heads. I know. Just try it. That’s all I’m saying. One hour a week.

What do you do about the bits that are missing? Well ..

1. You have to decide whether they are total deal breakers. And only you can answer that one…

or

2. You look to your friends or colleagues or the community to fill your cup. And really that’s just as important in the mix of life as well.

The real issue is when you drop below the 50% mark and suddenly there’s more bad than good. That’s the ultimate deal breaker. When the bad consistently outweighs the good.

Why am I writing this?

Because sometimes I get filled with silly fears and an urge to leave snippets of sage advice for the kids to make life-mattering decisions. I’ve considered Post-it notes on the fridge but somehow they don’t have the same sense of gravitas.

I have written (what I wickedly call) an If I Die Book which totally freaks the family out but it’s basically a How To Guide for them to function if I drop off the perch. Behind their eye rolling I know it gives them secret comfort ;)

I have no plans to do any of the above. Just think of this as a Post-it note for life. Maybe we could create a new category here lol. Take from it what you will. Now go and find yourselves some spark. And feel free to add to your own thoughts on the subject.

Aunty Marg

xx

P.S. Steve has just read this and reminded me that there are exceptions to my theory and that I am very lucky to live with one. God love ‘im.

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The love goes down …

I have been quiet for a little while here on the blog. And just this week I have realised I have been quiet within myself, for some months now. Not really myself. Not seeking company. Wintering if you like within. Not cold and frosty, just cat-like content within the walls of my own quiet hearth.

I’ve just had an operation, a hysterectomy, and I’m home today. And all is well.

I’ve been debating whether to even share this latest here and now with you.

view from st vincents paddington

I had five nights in hospital in Sydney doped up on Endone and other lovely drugs until the penultimate day when I refused all heavy meds just to get a real sense of how my hurts were truly traveling. I woke in the middle of the night and for the first time all week, the chatter of work and day to day worries had returned. We talk a lot about being mindful but I realised how utterly blissful it had been to be mind-less for those few days. How long has it been since you have had the headspace to read a page turning novel? How long since you have had regular day-time sleeps or just sat and stared out a window at a late afternoon lightening storm? Or woken early and watched the sun rise, the whole beautiful show from pink to blue?

Happy to be out the other side.

Happy just to be.

To be.

Here.

In a week of quiet reflection I was thinking about when my mum had a hysterectomy many years ago, experienced through semi-whispered conversations at some vague moment in my teenage years. And those of my family and close friends who have since been through it or some different, even scarier challenge. And how, on reflection, I wasn’t really there for any of them. Concerned yes but there? Really? Sympathetic? Empathatic? Understanding? In the deepest closest way? I would have to say no. I was on the sideline rooting for them. But that’s different to being on the playing field - with them – part of the same team.

It got me thinking that life is a series of clubs.

I am now part of The Hysterectomy Club.

At different points along the way we suddenly find ourselves admitted to a new club and set out on a whole new round of figuring out what the hell is happening.

I’m thinking about The Pregnancy Club when the line turns blue and suddenly everywhere you turn you see babies and mothers pushing prams. Or the Pelvic Floor and Everything Post Birth Club that no-one ever talked about because if they did you would probably never get pregnant in the first place. I’m thinking about The Being Bullied at School Club, The I Will Never Have Children Club, The Parents of ‘Adventurous’ Teenagers Club, The Breast Cancer Survivor Club, The Divorced Club, The Friends Who Have Lost Friends Club, The Losing Your Partner Club, The Gone Broke Club, The Club of Broken Hearts, The Dicky Thyroid Club, The Children Who Have Lost Their Parents Club. The list – as life randomly throws its best curveballs at us – is endless. I know you will have memberships of your own.

I have a glamorous 80-something year old friend Lorraine who has a favourite saying: “The love goes down.” Until this week I’ve never really understood what she meant. But all of a sudden I get it.

I wasn’t anywhere near the playing field for my mum or older sisters or friends. But they have variously been there for me. When I became a part of the same club, the love flowed down.

Just as when my daughter and son or nieces or nephews or younger friends will face their own similar challenges in the future. The love will flow down.

It’s not that as youngies we don’t care. We just haven’t lived some things yet and until you live them, no matter how hard you might try to empathise, you just can’t know.

Have I crossed a threshold? This week I realised I’m a card carrying member of more clubs than I’d care to count. It comes with getting older. But you know what, it’s not a bad thing, it’s a bloody beautiful thing. This whole getting older business, this getting of wisdom – not buying it, not stumbling on it, not winning it – this getting of wisdom is the gift we receive for having lived through all the trials and tribulations of life.

Have I crossed a threshold? I dunno.

I still feel like a 24 year old in my head.

Then again, it could just be an Endone flashback ;)

xx

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Halcyon days

If you could

would you have halcyon days roll on forever …

halycon days

If they were here and now

would you surrender to their warmth?

Cast off the boat

and float.

Face up in the turquoise.

Not a single thought of returning to shore.

halcyon days 2

The magic is in the fleeting.

The fading.

The rose wash of missingness that time adds to the canvas.

That bright burst of what was.

halcyon skies

And the gentle melancholy

 

left wondering …

 

will it ever be again?

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  • About me

    Hi I’m Margaret. I live in Australia.
    I sprinkle creative magic onto businesses
    over at red moon creative.
    When I'm not there, I'm here and now, doing my own creative happy dance – primarily to avoid housework and other
    high impact activities. read more...

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